You know this feeling of not being able to conceive time? That sometimes it slips through your fingers and you wake up suddenly to realize that well, maybe you could have done more to take advantage of that time when you could? And that probably you even lost some of those precious moments over-thinking, or searching what was wrong with you, when nothing actually was? Well that is exactly how I experienced this ending. Like coming out of some cold, rigid, empty space, that used to have some sort of color, but on the other hand was bound to decay since the very beginning. And yes, it is maybe the maintenance that was lacking, or the materials themselves, but nevertheless it happened. The problem is that when something progresses so slowly and smoothly into its own doom, you hardly realize it on time and most probably you will loose much more than expected. There will always be doubt on whether you did the right thing or not, or if you are just plain paranoid. But even if your mind does not want to admit it, your guts will. And it will come out eventually, one way or the other. That is where I am at right now. Accepting that it eventually did come out the hard way, but at least it did.
It is a strange mix of relief and sadness. Joy and deep sorrow. Lost hours of overthinking, inaction, unfulfilled needs, moments of patience, shallow laughter, deep questions. Years vanished for empty reasons. But then again nothing is. On the contrary. I gained much more that I could have ever wished for. Strength, abilities, knowledge, power, wisdom, maturity, experience and a profound confidence that I can achieve whatever I set my mind into. Cause I was left alone. And I succeeded in finding myself alone. And this makes me grateful for the experience…
Oh, hey! Thank you for those few happy moments, I am sorry if I forgot. You can keep the change. You will probably need it. There is no going back now by the way. Xoxo
(You were never reading any of this anyways).
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I was reading you… I will miss you.